playing house
by basedfran
Summary: - "Oh my God." Tsuna utters, lisping a bit due to his injured tongue. His brows furrow and his lip curls as he tries to comprehend the display set before him. "What the hell are you guys doing?" - (Part of my Kiddie Squad post-series AU. Fuuta is nonbinary & Fran is a trans boy. Neither hc is "relevant". Rated T for a maybe-swear. Attempts at humor lol. I-Pin's here too.)
1. Chapter 1

havent written anything is a while, so i threw this together so my account doesnt die lol

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Though Tsuna practically begs everyday for a peaceful moment to himself, he's never happy when he receives one.

He's learned throughout years of body snatching junior high punks and violent babies that make torture a hobby and winged assholes that take over the multiverse to be suspicious. Of what he doesn't know, so his body is constantly racked with paranoia. And that anxiety tends to peak when the house is still.

When he notices how quiet it is one summer day, the palpitations rattling his chest seem almost audible.

He's in charge of the house and children today (Nana at a piano recital and Bianchi foraging for summer ingredients), but he's banished the kids downstairs so he can pretend to be doing his summer work.

They were their usual rowdy selves while he struggled through his history packet. He could clearly hear the sounds of children at play just moments ago. (Lambo's obnoxious laughter from doing something annoying, the sound of a struggle as I-Pin gets fed up with him and makes use of her training, Fran and Fuuta's commentary and _I-told-you-so._'s when Lambo starts crying.)

But now it's quiet and, though he yearns for it when it's gone, he doesn't trust silence when it's in his house.

The dull thudding of his heart against his chest floods his ears as he walks down the stairs, skin crawling as he finds all the lights downstairs have been turned off. As he nears the bottom of the staircase he notices a flickering, orange glow coming from the direction of the living room.

_Fire._ his intuition screams at him, making his jump past the last couple of steps, smacking his chin against the hardwood when he inevitably lands on his face. A low moan catches in his throat as he tries to pull himself up, barely registering copper flavor filling his mouth. He must have (yet again) bit his tongue when he fell.

Throwing his gaze towards the living room, he's relieved to find the orange glow is coming off an ornate candelabra sitting on the coffee table, thanking every god he knows that the living room isn't ablaze.

The relief is replaced by confusion when he has the time to take in the rest of the scene in front of him.

Fran sits on Nana's favorite chair, his head propped up on his hand as he leans his body against one of the chair's arms, legs carefully crossed. A black, feather robe is wrapped around his shoulders, billowing around his thin frame and flowing down from the chair to just barely kiss the floor. A silver cigarette holder with a Pocky stick shoved in it is held daintily in his left hand.

In the dim light he appears more sinister than usual, green eyes darker as he regards the form Tsuna just notices piled at the foot of his chair.

Fuuta sits on the floor in front of Fran as if their body had been spilled there, mostly lying on the floor with not enough strength to properly sit. One hand propping their body up, the other pressed to their chest as if to hold their heart still, they stare up at Fran with a look of devastation. They were wearing, quite literally, a large burlap sack with jagged holes cut in it to create arm openings and a neckline.

"Darling." young voice croaks in what sounds like an attempt to sound gruff, cutting into the quiet and drawing Tsuna's attention.

Lambo is lounging on the big couch to Fuuta's right, a fake handlebar mustache pasted above his lip. His curly hair is hidden under a familiar fedora that, for his sake, Tsuna hopes Reborn doesn't catch him in. He's wearing a gray blazer that's much too big on him, his arms lost in the long sleeves. Only his hand, holding an old pipe, is free from the fabric cage.

"Perhaps you shouldn't be so hasty with your words." Lambo continues pretending to smoke from the pipe. "This is the girl our dearest, only son has fallen in love with, after all."

Fran doesn't spare Lambo a glance, gaze burning into Fuuta. "_Love?_" he scoffs, pulling the cigarette holder to his lips and taking an imaginary puff. "What does love have to do with any of this? We're looking for a suitable bride for the sole heir to our fortune. This sow isn't even suitable enough to breathe the same air as our Katsuro."

"Madam...!" Fuuta sobs, hand gripping their burlap gown as they let out a strangled sob, tears welling in their eyes.

Fran uncrosses his legs and rises to his feet in one smooth, elegant movement. He briefly flicks the "cigarette" in Fuuta's direction, as if flicking ash onto them, and begins to saunter away. "Remove yourself from my home. Don't let me see your face again; I will never allow you to marry my son."

"No! Please!" Fuuta throws themself at Fran's feet, latching on to one of his ankles. Tears begin to roll down their blotchy, red face as they beg. "_Please_, mother-in-law! Just listen for a moment!

"Do _not_ call me that." Fran yanks his leg out of Fuuta's grip, taking a single step to the side to put distance between them. "I have yet to consider you a human being, much less my son's wife." He flaps his robe, making it flutter dramatically as he sashays a couple steps away. "Away with you, filth. You muddy my vision by being in eyesight."

"Oh my _God_." Tsuna utters, lisping a bit due to his injured tongue. His brows furrow and his lip curls as he tries to comprehend the display set before him. "What the hell are you guys doing?"

"We're playing house!" Fuuta answers in a chipper tone, discarding the act of rejected daughter-in-law and sitting up, prim and proper, on the floor.

"Lambo-san's the dad!" Lambo adds in his regular speaking voice, pulling the pipe out of his mouth and lifting the fedora off his head as if Tsuna will have trouble recognizing him with them on.

"W-What is this-" Tsuna sputters on his words as he makes vague gestures towards them. "-this... _Performance_? What is this dark storyline you're acting out? This isn't how you play house!"

"It's how _we _play." Fran says, taking another fake drag of his cigarette. He blows imaginary smoke up into the air with a weary sigh. "This way's funner than how the kids at school play."

"I-" Tsuna is cut off by the sound of the hallway closet opening.

He turns his head to see I-Pin walk out of the newly opened door. Her hair is slicked back and she has a fake mole drawn on her cheek. She's wearing a blazer similar to Lambo's, and she's swimming in it just like him.

"Mother, Father, I'm home!" she calls, her voice lowered as far as she can get it.

Fuuta quickly throws themself back onto the floor, and she gasps when she sees them. "Darling!" she bellows, rushing over and falling to her knees beside them. She lays her hands gently on their shoulders and inspects them before raising her eyes to give Fran a horrified look. "Mother, what have you done to her?"

"What have _I_ done?" Fran asks, looking back at her over his shoulder, completely cavalier. "What have _you_ done bringing this boor into our home?"

Tsuna is unmoving as he watches Fran and I-Pin begin to argue back and forth, transfixed by their production. He still doesn't understand how this can be considered "playing house", but he may be beginning to understand why his mother is so interested in soap operas.

He pulls his legs into a cross-legged position and settles in for the show.

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based off the "my little stepchild" snl sketch. more stuff to come later. *youtuber voice* remember to leave a like, comment, and subscribe! see you in the next video


	2. Chapter 2

Enma finds Tsuna crumpled under the tree in the Sawadas' backyard, laying face down with his body twisted uncomfortably. His clothes are splattered with dirt and blood, and his hair is tangled with twigs and leaves.

"Tsuna?" Enma asks, heart racing but movements slow. He's giving his body time to wake up from all this, hoping it's a dream. "Can you hear me...? Are you... okay?"

For ten solid seconds, Tsuna doesn't reply, and Enma's breathing becomes haggard.

And then he lifts his head, face not giving away any indication he might be in pain, his eyes scanning the area before looking up at Enma.

"Where are the kids?" he whispers urgently to Enma, trying to keep his voice and head low.

"Are they hurt too?" Enma's head starts whipping around, looking for any tiny bodies strewn about.

"Hurt?" Tsuna furrows his eyebrows before a lightbulb goes off in his head. "Oh. Oh! No! Don't worry, Enma, this is fake blood. I'm not hurt or anything."

Enma squints at Tsuna's body. Sure enough, though there's blood and dirt on his clothes, there aren't any rips in his clothes or visible injuries marking his skin. He lets out a shaky sigh of relief before giving Tsuna an irritated look. "Pranks like that aren't funny, Tsuna."

"Sorry, sorry, but it's not a prank. I'm playing house with the kids."

"Playing _house_?" Enma asks, cocking an eyebrow.

"They have a very unique play style." Tsuna says with a shrug. "Today they're playing as a family of detectives. I'm supposed to be the victim and key witness. I just fell out of an airplane without a parachute and I have no idea how I survived."

The sound of shuffling from the other side of the yard makes Tsuna go limp, his nose smooshing against the dirt as his head drops to the ground.

Fuuta, Fran, Lambo, and I-Pin rush out of the bushes towards the scene of the crime. They're wearing matching deerstalker caps and baggy inverness capes, each of them in a different color.

Fuuta is the first to get to the body, so they check Tsuna's pulse. "He's still alive. Rodrick, get medical assistance."

Lambo immediately rushes back into the bushes. As Fuuta has I-Pin (Elmera in-game) help them check Tsuna's wounds, Fran focuses his sharp gaze on Enma, passing the body by to interrogate him. "Who are you? Are you familiar with this man?"

"I'm Joseph." Enma answers reactively, lying about his identity now instinct after being raised around the mafia. He sees Tsuna give him a quick thumbs up and decides to play along. "I am. I'm his... lover."

Fran's eyes narrow. "For a man to see his lover in this condition and be so calm... One might question the health of their relationship."

Enma blinks before dropping to the ground and crawling over to Tsuna, loud sobs wracking his body. "Oh, my love! Who could have _done_ this?" he wails, throwing himself down on the ground beside Tsuna.

Fuuta, who's still kneeling close by, puts a hand on his shoulder and leans in towards his ear. "Don't over-act, Enma-nii." they whisper, before snapping back into character as Lambo arrives with the medical team (a couple Build-A-Bears dressed in scrubs).

"Sheesh." Enma mutters to Tsuna as Fuuta walks away to discuss the victim's condition. "They take this seriously, don't they?"

"Oh, you have _no_ idea." Tsuna replies quietly before the 'paramedics' move him onto the sled that's supposed to represent a stretcher.

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i got a request on my new request tumblr (basedkhr) that inspired me to write a short sequel/second chapter to this one-shot. almost forgot to share this on ff, but here it is! if you liked the story please comment, i really appreciate each one, and check out my tumblr if youre interested in requesting fics or hcs.


	3. Chapter 3

Tsuna's laying in bed, winding down after dealing with yet another threat to the family, when he hears an astonished _Darling!_ coming from downstairs.

_My stories!_ he thinks, scrambling off the bed and towards the door.

Ever since he caught the kids playing house the first time, he's been watching them act out their little drama series (now dubbed, by him, as _Katsuro and Mika_) every time he knew they were playing.

It's a nice way to spend time with the kids without having to worry about property damage or trips to the hospital, and though he'll never admit it, he's actually very attached to the story and the characters. He's never been into dramas, but he's always entranced when watching _Katsuro and Mika_.

It may be because he's a big fan of the actors.

Going down the stairs, Tsuna wonders how much he's missed since the last time he's tuned in. Counting the days he spent training, traveling, and fighting, he's been away from home for about two weeks. Nothing much if you're talking about a regular weekly drama, but with a randomly scheduled play like this he could've missed a whole arc.

_I hope Katsuro's back from sea._ he thinks as he gets to the bottom of the stairs, walking into the living room.

Today's scene seemed to be set at the docks, the porch outside the glass sliding door transformed into a set.

A deep blue sheet, meant to symbolize the water, is laid out over the grass. The old stairway gate Tsuna vaguely remembers from his toddler years is spread out between two of the columns holding up the porch's roof, acting as a makeshift railguard. The two mini boats I-Pin and Lambo got for Christmas are parked side by side next to the porch, little jump ropes keeping them tethered to the docks.

It's the same way the kids organized the "set" when Katsuro left on a research trip with his marine biology classmates and professor, only for the boat to lose contact with the school just days later. He's been lost for months in-story since the last time Tsuna's tuned in, so he's excited to see what may be his tearful return.

Fuuta ("Mika") and Fran ("Mother") are standing by the guardrail. They're dressed warmly in scarves and coats and winter hats, ignoring the summer heat because the story is currently set in a colder season. Fran leans against the guardrail staring out towards the sea, avoiding Fuuta's longing stare as they fidget beside him.

_Still trying to get Mother's affection?_ Tsuna thinks, shaking his head as he takes a seat on the living room couch. _She couldn't even accept you when she heard about the baby; you might as well give up._

"...When did you decide to move to America?" Fuuta whispers quietly, watery eyes drawn to the floor.

"I can't stay here anymore." Fran says, turning his head to face the opposite direction. "There's nothing for me in this town."

Tsuna shakes his head. _Already given up on her son. It hasn't even been a year yet._

Fuuta looks up, lips quivering. Their eyebrows pull together as tears begin to well up in their eyes, Mika's famous waterworks. "But what about me? We were... supposed to be a family."

"Family is something I can no longer afford." Fran says, voice tight and cold. He pulls out a pack of Pocky and begins to smoke one. "Find yourself someone who'll care for you and build the family of your dreams with them."

Fuuta reaches out, a desperate expression carved on their face. They clasp Fran's free hand in between theirs and pull it close to their chest. Tears are rolling down their cheeks as they look deeply into Fran's eyes. "I don't want a family with just anyone."

Tsuna's eyebrows furrow as he squints at the scene. The scene is getting a bit weird, but maybe Mika and Mother got closer while he was gone?

"I told you already, I'm never going to let you be alone again." Fuuta reaches one hand out to stroke Fran's cheek and Tsuna cringes, feeling supremely uncomfortable.

"Whatever trouble you find in this town _we'll_ deal with it. Together." Fuuta closes their eyes and leans in, lips slowly puckering.

"_Yo, what the fuck-Stop!_" Tsuna screams, body thrown into a panic by this new development. He can hear his heart pounding in his ears.

Fuuta jumps back, cheeks turning bright red. "W-We weren't _really_ gonna kiss, Tsuna-nii!"

"We weren't?" Fran asks before he's quickly silenced by a flustered Fuuta covering his mouth with their hands.

"No! I don't care about _that_." Tsuna says, almost flying up from the couch, his movements wired with panicked energy. "_Why _are Mika and Mother kissing? Who told you that was okay?"

Fran and Fuuta blink at him for a moment before Fuuta lets out a long _Ohhhhhhhh!_ in realization.

"He thinks we're still doing the last storyline." they explain to Fran, who lets out a soft _Ah._ in understanding.

Tsuna blinks at them. "_Last storyline?_" he asks, the words coming out a little strained. They... had the finale without him?

"Yeah, we're done with that family." Fran says, crossing his arms and leaning back against the railing.

"So-Well-How did it end then?"

"It didn't. We just got bored with it and moved on to something else."

Tsuna blinks again, not able to process the information he's being told. "So." he starts, voice a tad tight. "It got cancelled?"

"Huh." Fran crosses his arms and looks at Fuuta. "That's probably the best way to describe it, yeah."

"But what about Katsu-"

Just before he can get his question out, Lambo speeds by on a trike with a large poster board with a drawing of a jet ski taped it. He whips out a nerf gun, firing three shots towards the docks.

Fran's back is struck by the pellets in two places, the final shot sticking to the edge of the deck. He falls face first towards the deck, rag-doll limp, only breaking character to smear some fake blood from his pocket down his chin and neck.

"_That's what you get for stealing my woman!_" Lambo screams, face burning an angry red, voice growing rough and hoarse.

Fuuta drops to the floor, cradling a "dying" Fran in their arms. Delicate tears roll down their cheeks, raining gently down onto Fran's face, mixing with the blood. "Hiroki, how could you? Your own brother!"

"This wouldn't have happened if you'd have been mine." Lambo snaps, leveling the gun at them. "The only place I'll let you be together is in Hell."

As I-Pin pulls up on her own trike (decorated in a similar fashion as Lambo's), screaming into a funnel that's acting as a megaphone, "_Not so fast, Hiragawa. Put the gun down, we have you surrounded._"

Tsuna tries to stay and watch the scene play out, impressed by the teddy bears with guns that they've rigged to drop down from the roof tethered to jump ropes, but he just doesn't have the heart.

After a couple weeks of missing his favorite show and wondering how his favorite characters are, he seems to have been left behind. Though he never asked the kids to wait for him, it was never hard to pick things back up since he already knew most of the story.

Now it feels like the kids have some new inside joke that he's not a part of. Watching this scene that he has no context for, fun and creative as it is, makes him a little lonely.

It's a childish feeling, but real nonetheless.

He backs back into the living room as I-Pin jumps off of her "jet ski" after putting twelve bullets into Lambo's chest, swimming to collect his body, and hurries upstairs before they can notice he's left.

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Even a month later, Tsuna is still sulking a bit.

He goes straight for his room as soon as he gets home and doesn't really leave it unless he can hear something going horribly wrong outside. He's quiet at dinner (and lunch, on the weekends), when the kids are chattering away about the latest turn of events in their game. He's constantly looping through his CDs, using listening to music as a reason for why he's being so asocial.

"How long are you going to pout over a children's game?" Reborn asks from his hammock, a small smirk playing on his lips.

"How long are you going to pretend to be sleeping?" Tsuna replies, angrily mashing the buttons on his DS. "Bianchi's been waiting for you to wake up and try those donuts she made."

A small bubble sprouts from Reborn's nose and he's back to "sleeping". Tsuna sticks his tongue out in Reborn's direction. _Hypocrite._ he thinks, eyes still focused on the boss fight in _Kirby_ he's very obviously losing.

He feels a prickle down his back that almost seems to be timed with Yadogaine crushing the shit out of him.

Though he's laying on his stomach with his back to the door, he knows someone's entered his room, but he's childishly trying to ignore them. He tries to focus on restarting the level he's playing, but Fran (he doesn't actually _see_ him, but it can only be Fran) spanks him hard with some unknown object, making him jolt up into a sitting position.

"_What did I tell you about boundaries?_" he snaps, ripping off his headphones and turning to glare at the little brat.

His anger falters when he lays eyes on him.

A familiar black, feathered robe swaddles his thin frame. A silver cigarette holder peeks out at him from one of the robe's pockets, a box of strawberry Pocky in the other. He leans against a purple umbrella (probably what he used to assault Tsuna just now) that stands crooked and bent, as if using it as a walking stick.

It's the costume he wears (or _wore_) when he's playing as Mother.

"You seemed sad that we dropped that family you liked, so Fuuta and the babies wanted to finish that story for you." he says. "We finished setting up, so come watch."

Tsuna's cheeks burn as he tries to feign disinterest. "I wasn't sad." he mutters, scratching his head awkwardly, eyes unable to meet Fran's.

"Uh huh, sure." Fran drawls. As a competent liar himself, he's very good at sniffing out when someone isn't telling the truth. "Well, even if you weren't sad, come anyways. It's more fun with you watching, or at least, that's what Fuuta and the babies say."

"Really?" Tsuna blinks, a warm little flutter in his chest. Despite trying his hardest to seem cool and casual, he can feel a wobbly little smile spreading across his face.

"Yeah, and I have to admit it's funny watching you fall for every plot twist we come up with. I don't know how you do it, given all the foreshadowing we use."

"Well I'm not a Japanese major or anything, how am _I _supposed to figure out every little turn your crazy little plot is supposed to take..." Tsuna mutters, before swinging his feet over the side of the bed. "I guess I could indulge you guys one last time."

Fran rolls his eyes, leading the two of them out the room. "Alright, Tsuna-san. We both know you'll be crawling back to us next week when we start our latest storyline. It's going to follow a family of detectives. Fuuta's writing, I'm directing."

Tsuna bites his lip to cover the excited grin he wants to flash after being invited to join them in the future. "Well, I mean, if I don't tune in your viewership would tank." he says, taking a second to tousle Fran's hair before they walk downstairs to start the show.

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this is the last part for this little collection! i actually wrote it before chapter 2 (which is why it's set between chapters 1 and 2 chronologically), and i didn't want it to go to waste since it was 90% done when i wrote and posted chapter 2. if you liked this fic, please consider reviewing! otherwise, stay safe and thanks for reading :)


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